My (Mostly Unedited) Thoughts on the 2013 VMAs

PRE-SHOW:

8:22:  Am intrigued by Sway. And Sway’s hat.

8:32:  I get it, Jared Leto.  Wear all the leather palazzo pants you want, but you’ll still be Jordan Catalano to me.

8:43:  Pharrel arrives on his bike!  And his bike friends hop around like bunnies.  Adorable.

8:57:  Taylor Swift is very tall. Her dress is amazing.  Hate her hair, and all of the talking coming out of her mouth.

SHOW:

9:00:  Lady Gaga opens the show by wearing normal makeup and singing like Ethel Merman, but then scaring us to death with her scary homemaker face.   I hung in there for a long time with Gags, but this is meh.

9:09:  Best Pop Video:  Selena Gomez, Come and Get It.  I wanna get a drink with her now that she’s 21.

9:16:  Vanessa Bayer becomes my hero.

9:17:  Sticking out tongues and twerking.

9:21:  Miley ruins everything.

9:22: 2 Chainz restores order.

9:23:  My brother Matt just wins everything by texting me: “Backstage, Robin just said to Miley, ‘You’re ain’t the hottest bitch in this place!'”

9:24:  Lil Kim.  Um.  No.

9:35:  I post on Facebook that this show kind of sucks so far.  I feel old.

9:37:  Hey!  It’s Jared Leto’s palazzo pants again!!!

9:38:  Kanye should call this performance “AutoTune Silhouette.”  I had loved him since his Through the Fire song but I’m lukewarm about this.

9:47:  Nile Rogers, it’s totally cool that you’re here.  Except that no one knows you because they’re too busy buying Austin Mahone t-shirts online.

9:49:  Best Female goes to Taylor Swift.  I’m so over Taylor writing songs about her past relationships!  She says that this award goes to the person it was written about it and that person “knows EXACTLY who he is.”  Gross.  All of us who went to high school and had the luxury of having that high school drama be private is begging you not to say shit like that ever again.  You’re old enough to know better…  I turn angry for a bit.

9:51:  Ryan Lewis & Macklemore win something for “Same Love”.  I’m immediately not angry and filled with love.  Thanks for being real artists, y’all.  I have never seen Mary Lambert before, but if I were gay, I’d want all up on that ass. Dayum.

10:00:  JUSTIN SQEEEEEEEEEEE.  I remember to breathe deeply while this pre-roll is happening.  Preparing not to hyperventilate.

10:01:  IS THAT A BALD RYAN GOSSLING as backup dancer????

10:02:  Take Back The Night is not an song about rape prevention, FYIsises.

10:03:  Justin reminds us what a pop star is supposed to sound and dance like. “I STILL RUN THIS B*TCH.”

10:04:  My heart beats a little faster b/c I think he’s going in reverse songbook chronology and hope the NYSNC rumors are true.

10:06:  Not sure if that is Ryan Gossling.  But I want it to be.

10:07:  This look.  Damn.

justin

10:08:  It feels like something’s coming up.

10:09:  Yeah, am pretty sure that’s not a bald Ryan Gossling backup dancer.  Cut to Taylor Swift who is performing in her seat like she’s part of the show, and I want to punch her in the face.   I immediately feel bad about this.

10:10:  Crying.  NSYNC reunion and it’s just as good as it always was. I wish I were a teenager again.

10:12:  JC Chasez reminds us all he’s crazy talented.  “Baby baby baby!”

10:14:  Suit & Tie. You’re just rubbing it in now, Justin.

10:16:  Mirrors, which is not my fave, but I realize he has now been performing for 17 minutes.  No one else could have commanded this much attention in this day and age. Twas a mini-concert.

10:18:  I love Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake’s (authentic and adorable) friendship.  Y’all remember when Michael Jackson won the Video Vanguard award and it was hella awkward?

10:21:  “Half of the Moon Men I ever won were with those four guys right there.  We can keep it at my house, but I’m gonna share it with them.”  You better stop. Right. Now.

10:33:  Macklemore & Ryan Lewis:  “Same Love”  I think this is the best song of the summer, even thought “Blurred Lines” was my summer jam.  This song, performed live, in front of the world is a blessing, plain and simple. “If you preach hate at the pulpit, your words aren’t anointed.”

10:36:  Jennifer Hudson agrees.  I’m not crying on Sunday. YAY GAYS!!!

10:40:  Emile Sonde is British? Wha!  Actually, that makes sense.

10:44:  Still laughing over Matt’s text.

10:45:  T-Boz and Chili introduce Drake, and they’re drunk, I guess.  I miss Left Eye.

10:48:  I have sad feelings about my sexual attraction to Drake.  I’m confused, mostly.

10:56: Best Male Video:  goes to Bruno!  I am a total Bruno fan.  I’m excited, even though he has a Forest Service hat on.  (Or maybe because he has that hat on, I love him.)

11:06:  Speaking of Bruno, I believe that the world is watching Bruno Mars become a huge pop star. Finally. Hopefully.

11:14:  Video of the Year!!  Justin Timberlake.  It’s a tribute to his grandparents.  “I hope my grandmother is watching, this is for you Granny!”  Of course.  Granny.

11:18: Allison Williams introduces the final performer, KATY PERRY!!

11:20:  Louder than a lion, ‘cause I am a champion, and you’re gonna hear me roar!  Louder!!

11:21 I still feel really old.  This show went 21 minutes over.

THE END.

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One thought on “My (Mostly Unedited) Thoughts on the 2013 VMAs

  1. thank you for making me feel ok about (almost) crying during the nsync reunion. the husband was astounded at my sheer joy in watching that entire performance.

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