Black Velvet

There’s currently an orange juice commercial that I hear at least 110% of the time I turn on the tv.  At first, I found it kind of enlivening — especially in the morning.  It was perky and full of sunshine.  Then somewhere around the sixty-third time I heard it, that perk changed to evil.  Now it makes me want to punch someone’s neck meat. Turns out, it’s a song from Singing in the Rain, by  Debbie Reynolds, Donald O’Connor and Gene Freakin’ Kelly. I feel like a real jerk.

That got me thinking, though. There are a few songs that fill me with a rage so immense that I have almost wrecked my car trying to change the radio station. So I made a list.

Top 10 Songs That Make Me Want to Light My Hair On Fire

10. Nickelback, “Photograph”

I’m not a fan of Chad Kroeger’s voice, nose or hair. It has sold more than 1.4 million downloads and made it to #2 on the Billboard Hot 100. “What the hell is on Joey’s head?” I don’t care. Please shut it.

9. The Cranberries, “Linger”

I love Dolores O’Riordon’s voice, and while I can’t say this of Nickelback, I have enjoyed a Cranberries tune on occasion. But one time my brother made a joke about a fart lingering, and now that’s all I can think of when I hear this song. Next!

8. Train, “Drops of Jupiter”

There are many a Train song that could have made this list, but in the end, it came down to lyrical annoyance. No one can check out Mozart while simultaneously doing tae-bo. Have you ever done tae-bo, Patrick Monahan?  What makes a romance “freeze dried”? And the line about the “best soy latte that you ever had” should be punishable by law.  Maybe I’ll call the Arkansas State Congress…the seem to pass all kinds of bullshit laws lately.

7. Aqua, “The Barbie Song”

Please listen to this once and tell me you’re not compelled to drive your car into a wall.

6. Ylvis, “What Does The Fox Say”

I’m completely nonplussed that this became such a hit. The chorus sounds like a 100cc motorcycle engine revving.

5. KT Tunstall, “Black Horse & a Cherry Tree”

I just…no. She’s such a cute woman, but her voice has that raspy weirdness to it, kind of like Alannah Myles, which I’ll get to in a sec.

4. Rednex, “Cotton Eyed Joe”

Ah, 1994. Reminds me of being drunk and dancing at Crazy Zacks (rest in peace) at beach week in Myrtle. This song is a terrible mashup of techno, country music and Sweden.

3. Carly Rae Jepsen, “Call Me Maybe”

Lord, this song was everything in 2011. I loved it at first, but like many a catchy tune, it suffered death by overplaying. I always thought it was a little incongruent with the times, though. It’s not crazy to give someone your number that you’ve just met. That’s actually much safer than taking off your shirt, which I think is how dating works these days.

2. Fine Young Cannibals, “She Drives me Crazy”

She drives you crazy? Well this SONG drives me crazy.  It’s 99% Roland Gift’s voice, but this song and video have problems. The video has the guys with weird shorts hopscotching, and another guy with a TV on his head.  Or least, that’s what I remember of it, and I refuse to look it up on YouTube because of all the hate.

And finally, drum roll…..

1. “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles.

There are so, so many things about this song that I hate. So many metaphors! The first verse is chock full of bad poetry. Example “The sun is settin’ like molasses in the sky”…Scratch that — the whole song is a bad poem. “A new religion that’ll bring ya to your knees, Black velvet if you please.”  But what is it?  WHAT IS BLACK VELVET? Nevermind, I don’t want to know.  Just make it stop.


So, there you have it. I promised myself I’d keep this blog positive. I once saw Adam Lambert in Georgetown and tweeted that I thought he was probably buying guyliner. Someone tweeted back and said something mean about him. It made me pause because as silly as it sounds, I didn’t think anyone would hear me my little tweet in the vast space of the Internet. But someone did and I felt bad.  So, my direct apologies to all the people I’ve mentioned here if anything is hurtful. It’s meant to be in good fun. I applaud your artistry and would trip Kanye if he tried to take one of your awards away and give it to Beyonce…Just please don’t make me listen to your songs, k?

My (mostly) unedited thoughts on #Oscars2015

More than four people asked me to do this, so I’ve acquiesced.  Here are my moment-to-moment thoughts while watching the red carpet nonsense and then the Oscar telecast.  I promise nothing, and deliver only slightly more.  I will be updating periodically. Refresh, gurrl.

******

6:46:  I text Jayme that “I’m pretty sure Guiliana Rancic is wearing the dress Miss Indiana wore in the 1992 Miss America pageant.”

6:49:  I plagiarize my own joke for Facebook.

7:06:  Ansel Elgort is wearing the #1 trend in men’s fashion of the night — blue tux jackets.  All this black and blue make the men on the red carpet look like handsome bruises.

7:08:  Lupita Nyong’o is breathtaking.  She’s got a dress made out of pearls and between her and Faith Hill, I really want to cut off my hair. (Spoiler alert — I won’t.)

7:16: Julianne Moore will win the Oscar.  I haven’t seen “Still Alice” yet but she will win.  She’s amazing and looks gorgeous.

7:18:  I can’t believe this sentence is about to come out of my mouth:  Khloe K just schooled Guiliana about how to wear a red dress. And now she’s throwing shade at Anna Kendrick, which I am not okay with.

7:22:  I wonder if this type of blog post with bulleted points minute by minute is tired.  I don’t really care. It’s my blog, I’ll do what I want.

7:29: Cate Blanchette with that gorgeous turquoise necklace.  About seven or eight years ago, she came into Clyde’s for lunch while I happened to be downstairs for something (probably to get more diet coke).  No makeup, hair in a bun, wearing jeans, and I was stopped in my tracks by her beauty.  I happened to be at the host podium when she walked in, so I lead her and her two sons to her table.  I handed her a lunch menu and a child’s menu, which she promptly gave back to me and told me her kids would have salmon.

7:43:  The hens of E! have been clucking for over 18 minutes. Give me more Ryan, please.

7:54:  I don’t get why we’re hearing all this dumb commentary and no interviews with Ryan.  Did he fall down or something? Reese Witherspoon is so gorgeous.

7:55:  I switch to ABC’s coverage because I can’t stand all the fashion critique. I love fashion just as much as the next gal but I’m mostly interested in the Oscars because I love movies.  More actors talking about their work, or maybe actors fangirling about other actors.

8:03:  Robin Roberts schools me that ABC is the only live show on the red carpet.  I’m now super pissed that I haven’t been watching this all along.

8:07:  Taya Kyle shows us that not only famous actors can own the red carpet.  That green dress is amazing and she speaks like she’s been on live TV a million times. My “American Sniper” plans were cancelled last night because of the snow in DC but I will see it soon.

8:13:  Bradley Cooper! I gotta admit — on the SNL40 he looked a little…puffy or something. I was worried that he had relapsed.  But he looks amazing and his eyes are bright and shiny. I’d hit that.

8:16:  I see a brief glimpse of Lady Gaga, and I’m concerned she’s wearing dish gloves. I need more information.

8:18:  Oh, here she is! This is a perfect Gaga dress.  It’s over-the-top and crazy and those gloves are absurd, but the dress itself is amazing and her face is perfection.  How cute is she talking about her new fiance?

8:23:  Taking a moment to give love to Robin Roberts (mostly because this pre-show bullshit is boooorrrrring).  She’s gorgeous.  After she had cancer and then came out as gay on her show so she could publicly thank her wife (partner?), my coworker was so sad b/c she didn’t know she was gay. (Um, I was as surprised as you.)  She said, “I guess I’m not really that surprised, but I’ve watched her every morning and I was sad that she never told me.” This proves that  the people we see on screen, we think are our friends. I totally get it.

THE OSCARS BEGIN.

8:30:  NPH!!!!!!! Crazy digital backdrop. ANNA! Oh snap, here comes Jack Black.  I’m loving this crazy musical opening and I live for Jack Black right now.

8:36:  “Moving pictures shape who we are!”  Yes —  I might have to fill this in a little fuller, “flesh it out” if you will.  But the whole point of this, and the only reason I put up with all the pretense of fake American pageantry is because I never go a day without quoting some movie. It’s part of my life.  Yes, I’ll put this in the parking lot for now and refresh it later, hopefully with a paradigm shit. Someone send me recap notes and next steps.

8:41: Lupita is presenting “Best Supporting Actor”. My prediction: JK Simmons.  Although I’d love to see Mark Ruffalo.  Haven’t seen either of these movies. I just go on my gut.  Aaaaaand I’m right.  I loved him in Juno. And those State Farm commercials, honey!

8:47: NPH makes a State Farm joke.  It’s like we’re the same person and that we share the same comedic brain.

8:53:  My Dad texted me and said he’s “so over [Dakota Johnson]”. Uh, join the club, son. I missed the whole thing, but apparently she argued with Melanie G on the red carpet, causing  my mom to say she was acting like a “spoiled brat”. Although she didn’t say brat, she said another B word. Snap!

9:00:  Reese!  I love you. Some won’t like your dress.  (Don’t get Dad started on JLo’s gown). But I love it.  Simple and elegant.  She’s presenting Makeup.  It goes to Grand Budapest Hotel.  It’s winning a lot.  I have no commentary b/c I didn’t see it.

9:05:  Should I have another glass of wine?  I mean, I probably will, but I don’t think I’ll be able to stay up past 10:30.  And that’s not necessarily b/c of the wine but also because I am old.  I predict this post will be top heavy with the commentary and my last few posts will be “oh sparkly statue OMG I love that actor from that movie that I loved!”

9:09:  Nicole Kidman’s dress is perfection.  I don’t really care about Foreign Language Film. I wish Chiwetel had spoken with an Australian accent and Nicole had spoken with a British accent to follow NPH’s bit. Maybe they actually did. Who can know?

9:12:  Shirley McLean comes out to the Terms of Endearment song and I tear up. THAT’S HOW SAD AND IMPACTFUL THAT MOVIE WAS ON MY TEENAGE PSYCHE.  Also, wine.

9:17: Tegan and Sara and The Lonely Island. Did Adam Sandburg ever think he would fake rap on the Oscars? But whatever, it’s awesome.  See what I did there?

9:24:  Oh hellooooo Jason Bateman. Teen Wolf 2 is still one of your best roles. “Crikey! These buggers are heavy!” British people are so adorable.

9:28: Crisis Hotline is a film I must watch.  I have strong feelings about how war can affect families and I will talk about this someday. Dana thanked her son Evan, and I am flooded with memories of one of her first documentaries, “About A Boy” which told the story of her son who committed suicide at 15. It was a beautiful and heartbreaking story.  I will always remember this line (and I’m unfairly paraphrasing, but I will update later with links), “Evan was like everyone else, and felt the same things everyone else did, but he just felt them a million times more deeply.”

9:43: I got to the bathroom and when I return, NPH is in his undies. While I love this, I’m afraid that the set up to this bit is not even worth it.

9:52: Best Supporting Actress! How is Laura Dern playing Reese’s mother? Doesn’t matter. Keira has an Adam’s apple. I really want Emma Stone to win!!! But Patricia Arquette wins and I’m legit happy.  Everyone is on their feet, they love her. She uses her podium to demand equal pay for women and I’m so full of emotion. THANK YOU.

10:00:  Here’s the PETA that won’t throw blood on you.  Hahaha I get it. Josh Hutcherson introduces Rita Ora, who sings quite beautifully. But, I don’t really get her or anything about her. She’s beautiful, but so am, so….

10:03:  Hey look! Chloe’s dress has pockets?  Is she also hiding dueling erections in her pockets? She’s got to be holding her hands in a weird way in her skirt. Interstellar wins for Visual Effects.

10:06: Anna Kendrick finally looks tall! She and Kevin Hart are adorable. Don’t care about Animated Short.

10:09: I am reminded of a dream I had last night in which The Rock and I were friends, but I called him Dwayne but he didn’t like that and although I tried to explain that saying, “Hey The Rock, pass the salt” didn’t really work, he was still mad.  There is applause over Big Hero 6! This is probably the third award that has gone to a group of people, one of which says, “we’d like to thank our wives.” I’m looking forward to the day there is a group of women on stage who can thank their wives. (Or husbands.)

10:20:  For my money, Christ Pratt can do no wrong. And I know everyone hates Felicity Jones’s dress, but I like it.  Production Design goes to Grand Budapest Hotel, which isn’t surprising b/c Wes Anderson ain’t no fool as a boss.

10:24:  I swear to God, Jessica Chastain’s dress without the sparkles is the bridesmaid dress I wore in Heather’s wedding in 1999. I didn’t look like that good in it, but it was satin and navy and had a drapey thing happen in the back. Cinematography was the award.

10:30: Meryl Streep sets up the In Memoriam piece with a Joan Didion piece and I need to read “The Year of Magical Thinking.” I’m prolly gonna cry watching this.  I will say right now, if Robin Williams isn’t magically highlighted, I will flip.  He wasn’t. But when I saw Misty Upham, I thought, why does one life need to take longer on a screen than someone else’s? I am guilty of judging unqualified. Thankfully Jennifer Hudson is here to diva me back to reality.

10:44: I’ve been loving NPH, but I feel like this show has been kind of boring?

10:36: Terrence Howard apparently always does sound like a cartoon. I think something is happening with his mic and his telepromptor.  I need to see Whiplash.

10:39: Jennifer Anniston yesssssssss. I can’t believe I’ve been doing this for almost four hours but I hadn’t seen her yet. She’s amazing. CitizenFour wins for Best Documentary. It’s great, I bet, but Edward Snowden can go suck a lemon.

10:58: John Legend and Common. The Pettus Bridge. “That’s why we walk through Ferguson with our hands up.” I’m on my feet! Amazing.

11:02: Tears streaming down David Oyelowo’s face.

11:07: Common is first and foremost a poet. Thank you to Common and John Legend for bringing up race on this huge podium you have. To be honest, I’m so afraid that, like a wave recedes, when Obama leaves office we are going to slide back into the ocean of rampant and ignorant racism.

11:14: Sound of Music tribute? I’m not sure…

11:21: GAGA REMINDS US WHY. Why she’s everything. Damn. Amazing.

11:30: I’m starting to fade, but I’m hopeful I can stay awake.

11:33: EDDIE MURPHY.  I hope this (combined with his appearance on SNL40) reminds everyone how much Eddie has been missed.

11:36: Oprah’s hair looks great. “Stay weird, stay different and then when it’s your turn and you’re standing on this stage, please pass this along.”

11:41: BEN. Best Director: Alejandro! Birdman. A joke about Michael Keaton underwear.

I NEED TO GO TO BED SO BAD, YOU GUYS!!

11:48:  Best Actor. I have no idea who will win.  Eddie Redmayne! Yeah, sure. OMG he’s giving his speech to ALS.  Let’s go you guys…I gotta sleep….

11:53:  Best Actress. I’m pretty sure I predicted this… It’s the ONLY prediction I made. I love her so much!

It’s midnight. I can’t do this for a lot longer. I really have to go to bed.

12:03: Best Picture:  Sean Penn, let’s do this.  BIRDMAN!

And now I sleep.  I will have edits tomorrow….

Ghosting

Oh, Valentine’s Day! It’s definitely not my favorite day of the year, but it’s not my least favorite either.  Sure, I’m 39 and single, and everyone assumes I should be bitter and angry. But I’m not!  I LOVE love, and I especially love the beginning of love. I love being in a new relationship. I love feeling giddy and stupid over a guy. I love the butterflies, the electricity of holding hands, the first kiss…

And while I love love, online dating can suck it. Online dating is the WORST.  It’s worse than oversleeping, war, or having your cat attack your feet under the sheets in the middle of the night. It’s much, much worse than Miley Cyrus doing Paul Simon on the SNL reunion.

There are several reasons why online dating can S my D, but mostly because of the ghosting. Apparently it’s completely acceptable — once you’ve had enough of someone — to just cease all communication.  One day, you’re texting and flirting, and you’re talking about when to meet up.  The next day you don’t hear from him.  You send a cute message with no response. Silence the next day.  Gurl, you been ghosted. The struggle is real and it sucks and it messes with your emotions.

Here are clowns who have ghosted me, all of whom I never met in person.  It was the dreaded pre-date slow fade.

DC Fella:  His profile picture was absolutely adorable.  Seersucker suit, bow tie and fedora. We talked for about a month via text.  We kept talking about meeting up, but he never answered my invites. He told me his actual name, and when I found out we had a mutual friend in common on Facebook, I asked her what she thought.  She said he was awesome, I told him so, and he told me that was some “serious recon shit” and then ghosted me.  A few weeks later, really late at night, he sent me a picture of his pants and asked me if I was awake.  I was not.

Dr. Leo Marvin:  On his profile under “last book you read”, he put “Baby Steps” by Dr. Leo Marvin.  You either get the What About Bob reference right away and fall in love, or you don’t.  I did; it caused me to LOL, so I messaged him.  We texted for a few months. (Yes, I said months.)  He presented me a wide assortment of random facts including that his dog died and that he had been in a polyamorous relationship.  When he told me his name was Adam instead of Rich, I realized he had been lying to me all along.  What a horrible person to lie about a dead dog!! When I asked him why he said his name was both Rich and Adam, I never heard from him again. Until a few weeks later, when he texted at 3:12am and asked what I was doing.  I deleted him from my phone the next morning.

Shittsburg Joel: This one is the one that is the most sad for me, because I really liked this guy.  Let me say this:  if I could only date men in a one or two mile radius, I would.  My opinion is that the Virginia suburbs is where fun goes to die, and don’t even get me started about Maryland.  Obviously Pittsburg is way outside of my available date radius, but his profile was funny and smart, for which I am a sucker. We talked for about six weeks at the end of the summer, including two video chats. We texted several times a day.  And then one day lead to two days and then all of a sudden, I realized I had been ghosted. In December, he texted me out of the blue saying he had had a “difficult autumn.” I was not that jazzed about hearing from him, but we texted a bit more.  After a few days of not hearing from him, I called him out — did I just get ghosted twice?  “I thought you weren’t interested.”  We talked some more, and then I got ghosted FOR THE THIRD TIME BY THE SAME GUY.  See for yourself:

Joel

Sane and Well Adjusted Evan:  His profile indicated he was an intelligent, mildly funny “consultant” who tried to separate himself from the rest of the knuckleheads by saying he was “sane and well-adjusted”. I fell for it.  He was a Wharton boy.  We chatted for a few weeks before he started crossing over into sexting, and then just evaporated.

Englishman Rich:  You know I love an accent, and since my bestie’s husband is a proper Englishman American citizen with an awesome accent, I had all these fantasies about us ending up with handsome British dudes.  Englishman Rich and I texted and emailed a few weeks before I got ghosted. And then a few weeks later, I got a text from him, “Hey, we forgot to go out!”  No, we didn’t. You’re a D.

Bad Hair Brandon: This was the closest I came to actually going on a date.  That Tuesday, I had to be in Dupont Circle at 7:30.  Around 3 that day, I suggested we meet at 6 the coffee shop of his choice in Dupont.  At 5:45, I still had heard nothing.  I actually never heard anything from him until three weeks later when he asked me if I wanted to go get coffee.  Stood up and ghosted — the rope-a-dope of Match.com.

So yeah, I know online dating is amazing and that there are a million couples who can credit this for bringing them together. I want it to work for me, which is why I keep signing up.  But for the next few months, I’m taking a break from online dating.  And when I sign up again, I’m gonna need less texting, more dating, and maybe more Jake Gyllenhaal.

What it’s like to have the flu*

*as explained by animated gifs.

At the beginning of last week, I was feeling great.  I had just had an awesome weekend in Richmond visiting my brother and sis-in-law, seeing my niece in her very first ballet recital, and helping my nephew build a dinosaur.

Rawr!

My week was going well!  I had a couple of good hair days in a row and I was making things happen on this big project at work.

Truth.

On Wednesday, I started to feel like I was getting a cold.  I just felt a bit…off.  I didn’t give it too much thought.  Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.

Um.

On Thursday at work, I finally had to admit to myself that I didn’t feel good.  I thought, I’ve got no time for your bullshit, Cold. But my head felt weird and that coughing made my throat hurt.  I went from denial to just NO.

No.
Not today, Satan.

I went home and went straight to bed at 6:45.  It was still dusk.  I planned on working from home on Friday, but when I woke up, I felt like a truck had hit me. I did take one call, and it did not go well.

Who do we have on the call?
Who do we have on the call?

A few friends texted to see how I was doing, and I responded the same way each time: “praying for the sweet release of death.”

Jenny!

Dad checked in and I told him I was too sick to go to the minute clinic.  The idea of walking to the car and driving two blocks to the CVS felt like it would take as much energy as climbing a mountain or delivering a baby, neither of which I have ever done. After 30 minutes of talking myself into it, I put on shoes and a bra and headed out.

Ron
Ron Swanson.

When I arrived at the minute clinic, there were no other people waiting!  I saw the adorable gay nurse practitioner, let him swab my nose. I really wanted to take a quick nap there in the exam room, but I kept thinking about Tamilflu like a miraculous, pharmaceutical dangling carrot and I stared at him until he told me I tested positive for Influenza A and wrote me that ‘script for Sweet Sweet Tami*.

Not Tamiflu.

After three days of being cooped up inside, afraid to go out and infect others with my deadly germs, I started to feel better.  By the time I went back to work on Tuesday, I had completely recovered and could actually feel a little spring in my step.

Poundcake.

The answer is yes.  Yes, I got a flu shot  in the fall.  At the time, I didn’t know it was only 27% effective this year.  But the way I see it is this: It was free, it didn’t hurt and if that’s what it takes to prevent me from feeling like a microwaved corpse, then yes, I will get the flu shot every year.

No gif collection would be complete without Queen B, so with this, I say Fin.

#flawless

*(No one else calls it that.)