More than four people asked me to do this, so I’ve acquiesced. Here are my moment-to-moment thoughts while watching the red carpet nonsense and then the Oscar telecast. I promise nothing, and deliver only slightly more. I will be updating periodically. Refresh, gurrl.
6:46: I text Jayme that “I’m pretty sure Guiliana Rancic is wearing the dress Miss Indiana wore in the 1992 Miss America pageant.”
6:49: I plagiarize my own joke for Facebook.
7:06: Ansel Elgort is wearing the #1 trend in men’s fashion of the night — blue tux jackets. All this black and blue make the men on the red carpet look like handsome bruises.
7:08: Lupita Nyong’o is breathtaking. She’s got a dress made out of pearls and between her and Faith Hill, I really want to cut off my hair. (Spoiler alert — I won’t.)
7:16: Julianne Moore will win the Oscar. I haven’t seen “Still Alice” yet but she will win. She’s amazing and looks gorgeous.
7:18: I can’t believe this sentence is about to come out of my mouth: Khloe K just schooled Guiliana about how to wear a red dress. And now she’s throwing shade at Anna Kendrick, which I am not okay with.
7:22: I wonder if this type of blog post with bulleted points minute by minute is tired. I don’t really care. It’s my blog, I’ll do what I want.
7:29: Cate Blanchette with that gorgeous turquoise necklace. About seven or eight years ago, she came into Clyde’s for lunch while I happened to be downstairs for something (probably to get more diet coke). No makeup, hair in a bun, wearing jeans, and I was stopped in my tracks by her beauty. I happened to be at the host podium when she walked in, so I lead her and her two sons to her table. I handed her a lunch menu and a child’s menu, which she promptly gave back to me and told me her kids would have salmon.
7:43: The hens of E! have been clucking for over 18 minutes. Give me more Ryan, please.
7:54: I don’t get why we’re hearing all this dumb commentary and no interviews with Ryan. Did he fall down or something? Reese Witherspoon is so gorgeous.
7:55: I switch to ABC’s coverage because I can’t stand all the fashion critique. I love fashion just as much as the next gal but I’m mostly interested in the Oscars because I love movies. More actors talking about their work, or maybe actors fangirling about other actors.
8:03: Robin Roberts schools me that ABC is the only live show on the red carpet. I’m now super pissed that I haven’t been watching this all along.
8:07: Taya Kyle shows us that not only famous actors can own the red carpet. That green dress is amazing and she speaks like she’s been on live TV a million times. My “American Sniper” plans were cancelled last night because of the snow in DC but I will see it soon.
8:13: Bradley Cooper! I gotta admit — on the SNL40 he looked a little…puffy or something. I was worried that he had relapsed. But he looks amazing and his eyes are bright and shiny. I’d hit that.
8:16: I see a brief glimpse of Lady Gaga, and I’m concerned she’s wearing dish gloves. I need more information.
8:18: Oh, here she is! This is a perfect Gaga dress. It’s over-the-top and crazy and those gloves are absurd, but the dress itself is amazing and her face is perfection. How cute is she talking about her new fiance?
8:23: Taking a moment to give love to Robin Roberts (mostly because this pre-show bullshit is boooorrrrring). She’s gorgeous. After she had cancer and then came out as gay on her show so she could publicly thank her wife (partner?), my coworker was so sad b/c she didn’t know she was gay. (Um, I was as surprised as you.) She said, “I guess I’m not really that surprised, but I’ve watched her every morning and I was sad that she never told me.” This proves that the people we see on screen, we think are our friends. I totally get it.
THE OSCARS BEGIN.
8:30: NPH!!!!!!! Crazy digital backdrop. ANNA! Oh snap, here comes Jack Black. I’m loving this crazy musical opening and I live for Jack Black right now.
8:36: “Moving pictures shape who we are!” Yes — I might have to fill this in a little fuller, “flesh it out” if you will. But the whole point of this, and the only reason I put up with all the pretense of fake American pageantry is because I never go a day without quoting some movie. It’s part of my life. Yes, I’ll put this in the parking lot for now and refresh it later, hopefully with a paradigm shit. Someone send me recap notes and next steps.
8:41: Lupita is presenting “Best Supporting Actor”. My prediction: JK Simmons. Although I’d love to see Mark Ruffalo. Haven’t seen either of these movies. I just go on my gut. Aaaaaand I’m right. I loved him in Juno. And those State Farm commercials, honey!
8:47: NPH makes a State Farm joke. It’s like we’re the same person and that we share the same comedic brain.
8:53: My Dad texted me and said he’s “so over [Dakota Johnson]”. Uh, join the club, son. I missed the whole thing, but apparently she argued with Melanie G on the red carpet, causing my mom to say she was acting like a “spoiled brat”. Although she didn’t say brat, she said another B word. Snap!
9:00: Reese! I love you. Some won’t like your dress. (Don’t get Dad started on JLo’s gown). But I love it. Simple and elegant. She’s presenting Makeup. It goes to Grand Budapest Hotel. It’s winning a lot. I have no commentary b/c I didn’t see it.
9:05: Should I have another glass of wine? I mean, I probably will, but I don’t think I’ll be able to stay up past 10:30. And that’s not necessarily b/c of the wine but also because I am old. I predict this post will be top heavy with the commentary and my last few posts will be “oh sparkly statue OMG I love that actor from that movie that I loved!”
9:09: Nicole Kidman’s dress is perfection. I don’t really care about Foreign Language Film. I wish Chiwetel had spoken with an Australian accent and Nicole had spoken with a British accent to follow NPH’s bit. Maybe they actually did. Who can know?
9:12: Shirley McLean comes out to the Terms of Endearment song and I tear up. THAT’S HOW SAD AND IMPACTFUL THAT MOVIE WAS ON MY TEENAGE PSYCHE. Also, wine.
9:17: Tegan and Sara and The Lonely Island. Did Adam Sandburg ever think he would fake rap on the Oscars? But whatever, it’s awesome. See what I did there?
9:24: Oh hellooooo Jason Bateman. Teen Wolf 2 is still one of your best roles. “Crikey! These buggers are heavy!” British people are so adorable.
9:28: Crisis Hotline is a film I must watch. I have strong feelings about how war can affect families and I will talk about this someday. Dana thanked her son Evan, and I am flooded with memories of one of her first documentaries, “About A Boy” which told the story of her son who committed suicide at 15. It was a beautiful and heartbreaking story. I will always remember this line (and I’m unfairly paraphrasing, but I will update later with links), “Evan was like everyone else, and felt the same things everyone else did, but he just felt them a million times more deeply.”
9:43: I got to the bathroom and when I return, NPH is in his undies. While I love this, I’m afraid that the set up to this bit is not even worth it.
9:52: Best Supporting Actress! How is Laura Dern playing Reese’s mother? Doesn’t matter. Keira has an Adam’s apple. I really want Emma Stone to win!!! But Patricia Arquette wins and I’m legit happy. Everyone is on their feet, they love her. She uses her podium to demand equal pay for women and I’m so full of emotion. THANK YOU.
10:00: Here’s the PETA that won’t throw blood on you. Hahaha I get it. Josh Hutcherson introduces Rita Ora, who sings quite beautifully. But, I don’t really get her or anything about her. She’s beautiful, but so am, so….
10:03: Hey look! Chloe’s dress has pockets? Is she also hiding dueling erections in her pockets? She’s got to be holding her hands in a weird way in her skirt. Interstellar wins for Visual Effects.
10:06: Anna Kendrick finally looks tall! She and Kevin Hart are adorable. Don’t care about Animated Short.
10:09: I am reminded of a dream I had last night in which The Rock and I were friends, but I called him Dwayne but he didn’t like that and although I tried to explain that saying, “Hey The Rock, pass the salt” didn’t really work, he was still mad. There is applause over Big Hero 6! This is probably the third award that has gone to a group of people, one of which says, “we’d like to thank our wives.” I’m looking forward to the day there is a group of women on stage who can thank their wives. (Or husbands.)
10:20: For my money, Christ Pratt can do no wrong. And I know everyone hates Felicity Jones’s dress, but I like it. Production Design goes to Grand Budapest Hotel, which isn’t surprising b/c Wes Anderson ain’t no fool as a boss.
10:24: I swear to God, Jessica Chastain’s dress without the sparkles is the bridesmaid dress I wore in Heather’s wedding in 1999. I didn’t look like that good in it, but it was satin and navy and had a drapey thing happen in the back. Cinematography was the award.
10:30: Meryl Streep sets up the In Memoriam piece with a Joan Didion piece and I need to read “The Year of Magical Thinking.” I’m prolly gonna cry watching this. I will say right now, if Robin Williams isn’t magically highlighted, I will flip. He wasn’t. But when I saw Misty Upham, I thought, why does one life need to take longer on a screen than someone else’s? I am guilty of judging unqualified. Thankfully Jennifer Hudson is here to diva me back to reality.
10:44: I’ve been loving NPH, but I feel like this show has been kind of boring?
10:36: Terrence Howard apparently always does sound like a cartoon. I think something is happening with his mic and his telepromptor. I need to see Whiplash.
10:39: Jennifer Anniston yesssssssss. I can’t believe I’ve been doing this for almost four hours but I hadn’t seen her yet. She’s amazing. CitizenFour wins for Best Documentary. It’s great, I bet, but Edward Snowden can go suck a lemon.
10:58: John Legend and Common. The Pettus Bridge. “That’s why we walk through Ferguson with our hands up.” I’m on my feet! Amazing.
11:02: Tears streaming down David Oyelowo’s face.
11:07: Common is first and foremost a poet. Thank you to Common and John Legend for bringing up race on this huge podium you have. To be honest, I’m so afraid that, like a wave recedes, when Obama leaves office we are going to slide back into the ocean of rampant and ignorant racism.
11:14: Sound of Music tribute? I’m not sure…
11:21: GAGA REMINDS US WHY. Why she’s everything. Damn. Amazing.
11:30: I’m starting to fade, but I’m hopeful I can stay awake.
11:33: EDDIE MURPHY. I hope this (combined with his appearance on SNL40) reminds everyone how much Eddie has been missed.
11:36: Oprah’s hair looks great. “Stay weird, stay different and then when it’s your turn and you’re standing on this stage, please pass this along.”
11:41: BEN. Best Director: Alejandro! Birdman. A joke about Michael Keaton underwear.
I NEED TO GO TO BED SO BAD, YOU GUYS!!
11:48: Best Actor. I have no idea who will win. Eddie Redmayne! Yeah, sure. OMG he’s giving his speech to ALS. Let’s go you guys…I gotta sleep….
11:53: Best Actress. I’m pretty sure I predicted this… It’s the ONLY prediction I made. I love her so much!
It’s midnight. I can’t do this for a lot longer. I really have to go to bed.
12:03: Best Picture: Sean Penn, let’s do this. BIRDMAN!
And now I sleep. I will have edits tomorrow….