Oscars 2016

I think we can all agree that there’s no way that I can actually make it to the end of this awards show for two main reasons a) I’m too old to stay awake past 11 pm and b) I’m sick. AGAIN. So rather than give you a well-written critique of this year’s telecast with all the reasons why so-and-so’s performance was magical and such-and-such movie changed my life, I’m just going to talk about dresses and suits, and highlight anything entertaining before I eventually pass out from a grigio/NyQuil cocktail. I’m a cranky bitch.

Here’s the thing about me and fashion. I love it…it’s not for me. I absolutely love fashion as a designer’s artistic expression. I’m a faithful watcher of Project Runway and love how much hard work goes into each garment. (Garments are what fancy people call clothes.) But I am not a fashion plate by any stretch of the imagination, mostly because of a long battle of wills with my body and all its perceived flaws over the years. From frustration over the parts that were too big (breasts, belly, arse) and the parts that were too long (my torso) or too short (legs, fingers), I decided unfairly a long ago to resign myself to the sartorial expression of the designers at Old Navy, JC Penney and Belk. My strategy is to dazzle people with my jokes and my laugh and hope they don’t look at me below the neck.\

Since fashion is not for me, I don’t know shit from shinola about it. The purpose of this post is so I can talk out of my ass and stop myself from sending hate mail to my coworkers who come to work whilst under the weather which keeps us all passing this muthafucking cold back to each other week after week.

Before I dive into my thrilling critique, I’ll admit that I have never been less prepared for this show. I have seen The Room and Spotlight. I hope Brie Larson wins, but other than that, I literally don’t care at all. There were several movies I wanted to see and I’m sure I’ll see eventually, like Carol, The Danish Girl, The Big Short, Brooklyn and The Revenant. (P.S. Read the article about the author of The Revenant. Poor guy, all this attention and he’s silenced because of his big DoD job.)

I begin by watching the red carpet coverage by the genius committee at E!. Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic are like the chic weird couple from NYC that live in your building and you’re pretty sure one of them is gay but you can’t quite figure out which one.

Alicia Vikander

Pale yellow strapless Louis Vuitton bubble gown with silver stuff on it. She might have the most beautiful skin I’ve ever seen. Her hair looks a little unkempt, but I find the rest of her completely magnificent. Never heard of her before tonight but word on the street is that she’s in The Danish Girl, which I gotta see.

Sofia Vergara

Why is she here? This woman is everywhere: the Oscars, Pit Bull’s Grammy performance, and I think she was the pharmacy rep who filled my antibiotic prescription. Navy blue Marchesa gown with lots of breasts, sequins and a peplum. I feel just kind of meh about this look, and it looks a little bit like a step-mother of a bride dress, like if your Colombian stepmom is your dad’s third wife and she’s out to prove that she’s hotter than your mom, for whom your dad secretly still holds a flame.

Jacob Tremblay

Cute little dude with a very handsome Armani tuxedo. His parents are drop dead gorgeous. While watching Room, I was transfixed by his performance. He was amazing and I actually forgot that he was an actor for much of the movie.

Whoopi:

“The Dames” (am I supposed to know? wtf? huh?) made her dress based on a dress Bette Davis wore in All About Eve. I’m not in love with this look, mostly because I’m irritated when people try and dress women with bigger bodies in a bunch of fabric and pleats. It’s just too much stuff all over her body. But because it’s Whoopi and she DGAF, she’s got this outrageous weird octopus hand jewelry that I’m loving. “That’s how you know it’s me.”  Werk.

Saoirse Ronan

Spaghetti strapped dark green sequin Calvin Klein gown with a deep plunging neckline.  Her hair and makeup are gorgeous and I just looooove her adorable Irish accent. This dress is everything — flattering, elegant, simple. I love the back with the cutouts on the hips. She just Lord of the Danced her way onto my Best Dressed list.

Eddie Redmayne

What is that? Velvet?

Common

Is there anything more handsome than a man in a tuxedo? Common is giving me an ivory white Dolce & Gabbana jacket & vest without looking like a fine-dining waiter, and that’s hard to do. I need more information on his lapel pin.

Olivia Munn

I love this orangey-red one shoulder Stella McCartney gown. Her left shoulder is caped in a very fitted sleeve which makes me think of a patio-furniture cover, but I love how simple it is.

Brie Larson

This blue spaghetti strapped tulle Gucci is amazing and the belt is spectacular. Love the little ruffles and pleated fabric. But I definitely had this hairstyle in the 4th grade.

Heidi Klum

Looks like someone wrapped her up in tulle and cotton candy and threw a few silk flowers on her arms as a practical joke.  But the goddamn joke is on you, you fashion trickster, because this woman is breathtaking and apparently doesn’t age.

Rooney Mara

“Have we ever seen the diamond belly?” asks Ryan Seacrest. I hate the tiny buns in her hair but the dress is super fancy and I think I love it. Lots of white wispy drapey stuff in this Givenchy gown. Her makeup is flawless, and I think this may be the first time I’ve ever seen anyone transform her previous bitchy resting face into a serene Mona Lisa thing. ACTING!

Henry Cavill:

Please marry me. Or maybe just come over and vacuum and let me watch


 

Switching to ABC because I have had juuuuuust enough of Kris Jenner and ABC has a deal where they’re the only ones broadcasting live from the red carpet, except Ryan sneaks in a quickie interview with Dr. Jill Biden because he’s a rebel and gives the middle finger to authority. Or something.

Julianne Moore

I just really don’t know how I feel about the this Chanel dress. The top half is dominatrix and sparkles and the bottom is bridesmaid. Meh.

Tina Fey

This dress is EV.ER.EY.THANG. Her hair, tho. Frowny emoji.

Cate Blanchett

I think I’d like this dress better if it didn’t have the embellishment of the flowers and feathers. Robin gave a little hat tip to her partner and I’m overwhelmed with how happy I am that she kicked cancer in the tuckus. I gotta tell you about the time Cate Blanchett came into Clyde’s. I was downstairs after the lunch rush getting some iced tea when I saw that there was a glow coming from the front door. It was Cate and her two sons and I shit you not when I say that this woman is breathtaking in real life. I didn’t know skin could look like that without Photoshop. And that’s the end, and it turns out this story is not so interesting.

Lady Gaga

Secret pants!!! Designer and best friend Brandon Maxwell made a shit ton of dresses for her and 1 in 5 women and 1 in 20 men will be a victim of sexual violence. Gaga will be singing “Till It Happens to You” about which I know zero point zero facts but will probably make me cry anyway.

Charlize Theron

Everything about her is perfect. Love the lines of the spaghetti straps next to the diamond strands of her necklace, and her perfect perfection which is perfectly perfect

Other standouts:

Naomi Watts: purple navy sparkles strapless, dark lip, blonde bob.

Tina Fey: purple silhoutte strapless simple amazing

Chrissy Teigan: beige flowers baby bump

Mindy Kahling:  black dress, blue cap sleeves, puffy blue train thing.

Mark Ruffalo’s navy jacket

Mark Ruffalo’s wife Sunshine’s dress and hair. I *think* the gold embellishment on the hips is Grecian female anatomy.

Things I didn’t like:

Kevin Hart’s jewel piping

The thank you ticker at the bottom

Lastly, I’ll say that Chris Rock has done an amazing job so far. His acknowledgement and critique of the lack of black and brown actors among the pool of this year’s nominees was both subtle and over-the-top. I will leave the pontificating to those better suited to provide insightful commentary, but I will say that no one could have done a better job than he.

What did I miss? Whose dress/tux did you love? Why am I still sick? Why are there no black people nominated?

 

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