Unsent Texts

My friend-wife Paula has been gone for four days on a retreat. Specifically, a silent retreat at Satchidananda Ashram in Virginia, at which the practice of eliminating communication with others allows one to shift the focus inward to connect the body, mind, heart, and soul. In this way, it is quite the exact opposite of 75% of the daily communication between the two of us.  Sure, we discuss deep things, but like any relationship, most of it is sharing the weird things that go on in our minds and making each other laugh.

She headed south a few hours after Prince passed away, so we were able to mourn together for a short while. If not, I seriously would have considered calling the main desk. If Prince’s death doesn’t qualify for an emergency, what does?

I started jotting down the list of dumb shit I would have texted her. It has been a fun experiment to identify exactly how bizarre our day-to-day is.

Here you go.

Things I Have Wanted to Text Paula But Can’t Because She’s on a Silent Yoga Retreat:

  • I listened to Purple Rain on the way home from work and cried that Prince died. First time I’ve ever cried over a celebrity.
  • I wore too much eyeliner to work today. I look like a whore.
  • I need Todrick Hall to stop wearing hats with area codes on them on Gay For Play.
  • Otis just did the cutest thing ever. Here’s a photo.
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     He’s sticking his tongue out!
  • Why didn’t you tell me that that weird Cake By the Ocean song was sung by Joe Jonas?
  • The transmission is shot in Ol’ Blue. Car trouble sucks so hard…
  • I quit all online dating. I just can’t take it anymore. I need you to send me a video of you singing Indigo Girl’s “Love Will Come To You.”
  • The olive leaf extract that your mom is making me take every day tastes really disgusting.
  • Do you ever wish that Jesus* could text you to say hey while you’re gone?
  • I’m eating imitation crab salad for lunch!
  • Afternoon snack: trying a new kind of yogurt, the kind where you flip over the nuts into it. Aren’t you proud of me for eating yogurt?
  • The yogurt is banana flavored.  ABORT.
  • On RHONY, one of the women responded to being called “too skinny” as “I’m healthy. I get my period every month.” I can’t. Why do we have to teach everyone about this?
  • Um, I just bought a car.
  • OMG BEYONCE.
  • Hey Serena. “You better call Becky with the good hair.”
  • I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR LEAVING ME ALONE ON THE WEEKEND THAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH PRINCE’S DEATH AND BEYONCE’S LEMONADE.

*Jesus is Paula’s dog. Although having the actual Jesus Christ text you to say hey would be cool, too.

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